A Melting Pot of Whatevers

Dear Anna Gumamela,

I have a boyfriend and I love doing the deed with him.  I also love girlie stuff like sexy stilettos and top-of-the-line make-up.  Lately, I am beginning to get confused because I seem to be so fond of this female officemate of mine.  One time, I could not resist, I hugged her from behind.  I like her smell and simplicity.  I want to ask her out for drinks but I am too confused.  Am I a closet lesbian?

è    Doubting Bombshell

Dear Doubting Bombshell,

Can you enjoy licking her, or any other female’s, pussy?  Can you allow her or any other female to lick your genitals and enjoy it?  If you answered yes to any of the preceding questions, you are AC/DC.  Keep me posted.

è    Anna Gumamela

Dear Anna Gumamela,

There’s this guy who bugs me every time he gets drunk, saying sweet things, close to a proposal for a relationship.  When he’s already sober, he ignores me completely.  I like him but it gets me so tired every time he does that.  It’s happened five times in a span of two weeks ever since he got my mobile number!  What do you call him and what do I do with him?

è    Feeling Lambasted Control Freak

Dear Feeling Lambasted Control Freak,

What’s it with you that compels this guy to drink before hitting on you?  Anyhootie…  I asked my friends what they would call him and the answers varied from ‘hayop’ to ‘manggagamit.’  My answer is this: he has no balls, could possibly be one of the ‘torpe’ types; at worst, he could be an alcohol-dependent lunatic who falls into drinking spells and victimizes women every time he gets into one (he could have had other victims prior to you and could possibly be preying on other women minutes after he bugged you).  My advice is that you ignore him completely and cease cultivating your affections until he gets the backbone to face you without the help of Jack Daniel.

è    Anna Gumamela

Dear Anna Gumamela,

I am confused whether I will just let go of this girl or try to win her back.  I said some things I should not have.  I want her.  I want another chance, but my male ego is getting the better of me.  What should I do?

è    Asshole

Dear Asshole,

Forget about your male ego for the mean time.  Go after her!  Apologize first and make sure you’re going to keep your blabbermouth at stealth mode.  If this fails, try, try again.  Then forget her.  Our ego and pride should work like masks.  It is all right to take them off once in a while, but we should never ever throw them away to glorify stupidity.

è    Anna Gumamela

Dear Anna Gumamela,

What is the best thing to do when you are raging mad?

è    Mad Max

Dear Mad Max,

You can either morph into Incredible Hulk or keep your emotions at bay.  I suggest you do the latter.  Keep thinking about the thing that made you mad until you get tired of thinking about it.  Then you will feel that getting mad is a futile exercise.  You will realize that confronting the person or facing the situation would only give you more matters to think about.  If you value your time and your sanity, you’ll dismiss the thought of entertaining rage or holding grudges in the future.  It is so much better to live lightly, smiling happily rather than wasting your time brooding, sulking and monitoring your blood pressure.

è    Anna Gumamela

Dear Anna Gumamela,

How do I get rid of her completely?  (Anna Gumamela’s Note: Full-length letter edited to protect sender’s privacy.)

è    Haunted Lesbo

Dear Haunted Lesbo,

Make yourself invisible or kill her.  Who you are dealing with has supernatural powers, as sensed by my ESP.  It is time you maximize the benefits of your own innate abilities by evaporating every time you catch a glimpse of her.  If this does not work, file a TRO at the nearest court, restraining her from getting near you within a radius of 100m; unless you consider being convicted for murder a much more convenient alternative.

è    Anna Gumamela

Dear Anna Gumamela,

How do I get in touch with you, in case I’ll need some advice?

è    In Case of Emergency

Dear In Case of Emergency,

You may email me at thecosmicmuffinapostle@yahoo.com or send your queries via Friendster messaging.  Do not post your queries on this blog site, lest you want to disclose your true identity.  Do not use the ‘Add a Comment’ link.  Use the ‘Send a Message’ thingy.  As for my mobile phone number, I do not give mobile numbers via satellite or World Wide Web.  Chill!

è    Anna Gumamela